When your Teen Doesn't \"Look Autistic\"
"But you don't look Autistic, you seem so normal"
These well intentioned but harmful comments reflect a fundamental misunderstanding of autism, faced by teens and their parents daily...
This is something I have actually experienced myself on multiple occasions and whilst the person who is saying it, is (I think) trying to compliment me, it fills me with anxiety.
What does Autism look like?
Do I look different in some other way?
Does this mean I'm not autistic because I'm passing off as Neurotypical?
"Autistic people and their parents become experts at explaining the invisible, such as describing sensory overload to someone who has never experienced it and helping them to understand this is not bad behaviour or a dramatic meltdown"
A massive misunderstanding that many people have is that if they are not overwhelmed in a certain situation, then how can someone else be overwhelmed?
"It's only an airport, you should be happy you're going on holiday"
"Queueing is part of life, we all have to do it"
"Shops are noisy places, get over it"
"You have to wear the school uniform, it's school policy"
This can be used a an opportunity to develop knowledge and communication with schools, family and friends...
I find a really easy way of helping others to understand is to use this scenario...
Q: "What are you most afraid of?"
A: (whatever they say, let's make one up) "Spiders"
Q: "How do you feel if you see a spider?"
A: "Terrified, I cannot enter a room if there is a big spider in there!"
Q: "Wow, that must be a problem for you sometimes?"
A: "Yes I need help from someone to get the spider out of the room, then I can go in"
We then ask...
Q: "What if you felt the same way as you do when you see a spider, but you have to enter a room full of spiders every day. They are all around you and they touch you?"
A: "That does NOT bear thinking about"
Q: "Does everyone know you are afraid of spiders?"
A: "No"
Q: "Would you say you look like you're scared of spiders?"
A: "How can someone look like they are scared of spiders?"
Two points here...
1. To an autistic person with sensory overload in a situation which over stimulates them, it's like walking into a room of spiders. Unfortunately, there are lots of rooms full of spiders in their every day life, so they spend most of their time in a state of anxiety.
2. People only discover you are afraid for spiders once they know a little better, just like sharing sensory issues takes an autistic person some time and even when they do, it is often misunderstood.
Try this strategy next time someone tells you or your child
"You don't look Autistic"
Let us know what you think in the comments!
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